ghostweed (press)
there is but one flag

get the haps
peruse our fine recordings
peruse our fine books
take a taste test
where am i?
get our fine digits
visit the gallery

buy new releases:

where the words go andrea maxand / where the words go

who can we trust to lead us?

(old poll results)

watch intro movies:

andrea maxand /
half a joke

andrea maxand /
bedroom window

greentrials /
some battleground

greentrials /
sweet intentions

buy old releases:

where eaglets dare greentrials / where eaglets dare
matt segur / soft power soft power

the people have spoken!

what are you "all about?"


the x-games


the benjamins

xbox 360


pan-asian cuisine


best spam

hook up with a pretty woman tonight. hideous.

Re: Go to the devil!

afraid of, old ass?

vernal ang randy girls are awaiting you!

Lozenges for Stallone

pussyjuice 4 horse

Hey Man, online links to girls for dinner

Does your mother want you to go online?

dribbling when you want to shoot?

Don't try to "cheer up" a depressed person
what type of television character would be most likely to positively influence your purchasing decisions by making an endorsement?




working parent

wizard / science fiction
if your home were to be destroyed by catastrophic flooding following a hurricane, how would you prefer the hurricane be named?







sgt. rock

what do you think happened after the events pictured above?

he took the survey

he golfed

he quit his job

he became the new chief

he became the new xXx
choose one:

"john cardinal ratzinger? you're the new xXx."

white smoke indicating vatican conclave has chosen ice cube as the new pope.
What title shall we bestow upon Bono?

World Bank President

Nobel laureate


Darth Bono

Pope II

Pope Classic

Cherry Pope

NBA All-Star


Bono: the Thai Warrior
most overrated celebrity

Ben Affleck

Pitch Black


Lil Bow Wow

Colin Farrell

The Hamburgler

Tom Hanks

Nicole Kidman

Osama bin Laden

Louis Leakey

Jonathan Lipnicki

J. Lo

Scott Peterson

Pope John Paul II

Harry Potter

Julia Roberts

Arnold Schwarzeneggar

David Schwimmer

Will Smith


Earl Warren

Bruce Willis
best pole

north pole

south pole

may pole

pole position

polar express

m leopold bloom

best Jamba Juice


Mango Total Offense!

Meat Me in the Morning

Waldorf Salad Powerspritz

Raspberry Police State

who's come out on top in the presidential debates?

jim lehrer

gwen ifill

charles gibson

bob schieffer
which is most impressive?

eminem’s band

kelis’ millkshake

bobby brown’s prerogative

frank sinatra’s way

billy crystal’s giant

sweet child of axl rose’s

i am a gay american.

i am a great american.

i am a gray american.

i am a real american, fight for the rights of every man.

i am american guy!

i'm afraid of americans.
what occupation should be carried out by Segway?

pizza-delivery boy




Streetwise vendor

private eye

secretary of defense

Jessica Simpson


body double

NASCAR champion


navy seal

the bourne identity

the bourne supremacy

the bourne sobriety

the bourne home equity

the bourne colostomy

the bourne promiscuity

the bourne alimony

the bourne pederasty
internet celebrity of choice:

harry knowles

matt drudge

“access” phil

star wars kid

howard dean

best al pacino line:


“say hello to my little friend.”


“i fought for you and i still fight for you!”

“eddie barzoon, eddie barzoon. ha!”

“i am a scary judge of talent.”

“iron maiden? excellent!”
best sport


pod racing

tron: deadly discs

speedball 2


cannonball run

battle chess
what's your opinion of ACCESS: PHIL?

i love it.

i hate it.

i don't understand it.

i worry that it may be unsanitary.

i deem it less electable than john kerry.

it will not induce me to purchase anything from ghostweed press.
what should justin timberlake rip off next?

ruben studdard's codpiece

john kerry's hairpiece

the elderly

circle k

naive internet users

buckethead's mask

roy horn's head

the american taxpayer

keith haring's style
best bawdy euphamism for pubic hair

the fertile loam


the dark side of the moon

nasty loofa

the forbidden forest

target of opportunity

mount olympus

strawberry fields

spongiform encephalopathy

the shire

sunni triangle
best sequel

on golden pond: revolutions

dude, where else is my car?

birth of a nation: the new batch

the godfather and robin

2 good 2 bad 2 ugly

paris hilton sex tape episode 2: attack of the clones

nixon vs. hoffa

thelma and louise's bogus journey

baby geniuses 2: superbabies
has it come to this?

governor schwarzenegger

president stallone

admiral streisand

pope jagger

superintendent pacino

secretary of the interior xXx

harry potter and the new power generation

harry potter and the pips

harry potter and the jicks

harry potter and oates

harry potter and the range

harry potter and the wailers

harry potter and 30 odd foot of grunts
best new t.v. show:

thin eye for the fat guy

black eye for the white guy

sighted eye for the blind guy

d.u.i for the drunk guy
sexiest supreme court justice:

William Rehnquist

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Anthony Kennedy

Sandra Day O'Connor

Antonin Scalia

David Souter

John Paul Stevens

Clarence Thomas
best 11th commandment

thou shalt lose some weight.

thou shalt not feed the animals.

thou shalt not smoke on CTA property.

thou shalt believe the Internet.

thou shalt invade Syria next.

thou shalt not understand.
most promising video game:

tommy franks'

cremaster ball 2

crazy bradley
fighting vehicle


president evil

SSX segway

where will colin farrell be trapped next?

another phone booth

mail box


beneath rubble

bathysphere to the titanic

colin powell

favorite war

hundred years' war

civil war



korean war


desert storm

iraqi freedom
tastiest girlscout cookies


gingko powercakes


shitty crunchers!

thing mints

wron!skorss, dark cookies of urdha

Best cartoon foreign policy spokesperson to replace Colin Powell

Count Warula

Shooty the Tank

Dr. 'Pox


Nearly Headless Muthaffer

iraq <-> terrorism

drugs <-> terrorism

AIDS <-> wolves

tax cut <-> belgian-basque axis

n. korea <-> n. korean nukes
projected ratio of bush presidencies to u.s. wars in the middle east

2 : 1

1 : 1

3 : 4

1 : 2

1 : 5
Which is best?

stanley cup
the stanley cup


zestfully clean
zestfully clean


Best as-yet-unclaimed garage-revival band name:

the Fines

the Slacks

the Smokes

the Monies

the Corps

the Fishes

the Muppets

the Olds

the Selves

the Cannes

the Sears

the Stuff

the Staff

the Clap

the Piles

the Neighbors

the Adventures of Ford Fairlane

the Bachs

the Box

the Lorax

the Tourettes

the Lee Marvin Gardens

the Green Party

the Goebbels

the Weights of a morning unleavened by departed youth, the choice, do I go to moony eric b's and see that really rooking assortment of classic minatures--a thoughtful request from a friend--but all i can think is there's one who'll age gracefully, and a thousand swans all going up in unison know the way better with a thousand years of collective memory than I do to put two feet on a cold wooden floor, ritual ablutions to maintain a finish on something that's deteriorating nonetheless, the question "could i switch to pine-sol?" asked half-asleep, questions at once dreamy and morbid popping into a head that no amount of water can stop from aching--the bladder just doesn't get get big enough, proportionally, with age, only weaker, not at all like ears that grow and grow--so on, so forth, forthing on until the watch i found under some filthy socks says i can stop with the morning gripes, technically at least, if not spiritually, but with no more legal excuse i must proceed.
Most likely CLUE outcome:

Colonel Mustard / ballroom / wrench

Sergeant Pepper / club / spanner

Al Qaeda / San Francisco or Chicago hospital / anthrax

Al Qaeda / landmark of high symbolic and economic value / weapons of mass destruction

the CIA / Yemen / Hellfire missile fired from unmanned Predator aircraft

Someone / kitchen / Dina

Dick Cheney / undisclosed location / copy of Hustler, ribbed athletic sock
how are you enjoying your life, so far?

very well

some reservations

serious reservations

not well at all

Most repulsive impersonation of a beloved childhood figure by a celebrity caked in disfiguring makeup:

the cat in the hat / mike myers

santa claus / tim allen

the grinch / jim carrey

jack frost / michael keaton

mario / bob hoskins

moses / charlton heston

charles foster kane / orson welles
"Fool me once, shame on you...

... fool me twice, shame on me."

... fool me twice, and who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?"

... when you fool me twice, you make an ASS out of U and ME."

... pity the fool that fool me twice!"

... fool me can't get fooled again."










Tune Captain Wanklesmith



Virgin Megastore
Most convincing Jack Ryan (past, present, or future):

Alec Baldwin

Harrison Ford

Ben Affleck

Will Smith

Tom Clancy

Jason Bourne
What song should Greentrials write next?

"The emperor of Public School 319"

"Let's not talk about my doppelganger"

"Robotz be ballin'"

"How could you leave me for a hobbit?"

"Robotz be scammin'"

[Skit: fistfight with Thom Yorke in alley]
Which statement is not true?

A cockroach can live a week without water.

A cockroach can live a week without a head.

A pair of cockroaches can produce a million offspring a year.

A cockroach is digusting.

A cockroach will come down and save us all.
Should we put up a new poll?


Meat substitute of choice:

Tofu (soy)

Quorn (fungus)

Soylent Green (people)

Meat (animals)

Meat II (space animals)


Red Alert

Orange Alert

Yellow Alert

Blue Alert

Green Alert

If it feels good, do it.

Let's roll.
What's the best web site?



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